Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
