Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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