Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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