omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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