I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
