Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
