He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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