A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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