I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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