I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
