just come out here and I will go home with you...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
