i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
