Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
