accomplished twins. life is a go
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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