Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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