Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
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Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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