shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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