I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
