true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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