On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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