What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
