scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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