how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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