Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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