i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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