I just threw up on my dentist
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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