Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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