He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
