How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dicks are not precious.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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