I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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