im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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