once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
