I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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