I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
