weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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