my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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