Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
