i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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