Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i dont even know how to be here
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
