Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
