The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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