Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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