hell yes lets make some ravioli
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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