Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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