Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
