there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
