im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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