Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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