it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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