just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
