I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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