Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
