forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
