i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
