I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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